(no subject)

I figured that I'd write something about me for anyone that happens to be looking at this.
I am 19 years old and have had my eating disorder(s) since I was about 13. I was always fat when I was young and my heaviest was probably around 168 when I was 5'3 at age 13. For my entire life I thought that weight was something you were born with and that you couldn't control it. However, in the summer of my 7th grade year I discovered 'slim fast'. Yeah, I said slim fast. Sounded good, and I gave it a try, after all what could happen. I drank 2 shakes a day plus a snack bar and a sensible dinner like it said. I exercised ritualistically, about 2.5 hours of cardio to get me inshape for field hockey, I wanted to play so bad but in order to make the team you had to be able to run 3 miles in under 23 minutes. I began to drop weight so quickly, I couldn't believe it. Eventually I was only drinking a shake a day, like 180 cals. I didn't think anything was wrong with it becauase I thought I was being healthy by dieting and exercising. Going back to school that fall I was down to 108 lbs, I had dropped almost 60 pounds. Over the next year rumors started in school that I was bulimic, but I certainly was not. This upset me because I worked so hard for my new body and I was being discredited for it. Oh well one day when I ate a piece of cheese, I got mad at myself and decided to try and purge, it kind of worked, and I tried it again the next day after dinner. Within 2 weeks I couldn't stop purging, I really couldn't and I was scared, but I didn't care. By the age of 15 I was purging up to 5 times a day. I started having problems with my mom at home bc I was on diet pills and they made me so angry and upset all the time. By 16 I had a bf (whom I'm still with now) who was 25 years old. That March I got in a full blown fight with my mom and was removed from my home and lived with my bf. I had a restraining order put against my brother and mother for the next 8 months. Eventually we patched things up and we are very close now. From then until my 'graduation' I lived at home but stayed sometimes at my boyfriends. My sophomore year of highschool I was absent almsot 60 days because I was scared to go to school if the scale didn't say a certain number on it. I was smart though, not to toot my own horn, because I still remained on honor roll and a 3.8 average. Junior year was the same but more absences, about 80. Senior year was the worst, I was a mess, over 90 absences and I wasn't allowed to walk at graduation. That summer I got set up in my new apartment near the college I was attending. I lived by myself and loved it. However I would b/p almost 8 times a day and gained almost 20 lbs in 3 months. However, I quickly lost that weight and then some when I joined a gym and went twice a day for a total of 3 hours. I ate snap peas and broccoli most of the time with an occasional turkey burger. I went down to 101 lbs and I was 5'6. Since then I have been way up and way down. Right now I am 114 about. However as you can see from my past journal entries I was in a very severe car accident and was in the hospital for about a month. Right now I have no car, but I have a beautiful new apartment and I still have a great job. Although I have some 'good' days, most my days always consist of b/p. Those that don't I tend to lose weight, but the days that I only b/p twice or so I"ll be able to maintain my weight. And if I'm really depressed and low I'll jsut keep b/p, its horrible. THis morning I woke up and I was 111 which was great because I had lost 3 pounds this week, but I still b/p 3 times and I'm in the middle of one right now as I write this, which is why I'm wrapping this up now because I have to go.
Feel free to comment with questions.

(no subject)

Well, I thought that this huge car accident would rid me of bulimia since I went with minimal food in the hospital for a month. I was actually at my lowest weight in a long time. But now I find myself having the WORST ever binge/purge cycles. They are not as bad as before since each binge is no more than 700 cals, but its so much harder to purge because of all the stuff wrong with my chest (broke left side ribs, punctured lung, lacerated spleen, and pneumonias in both lungs)....ahhhhh...i'm so goddam sick of this. But today is better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before, everytime I look in the mirror and see myself getting fatter I become more determined to fight this shit and gain control. Tonite I'm doing great so far, I got out of dinner by just telling my mom I ate a big lunch (shes taking care of me until I'm better since I can't be at my apartment by myself) This just sucks to have so much progress and then just lose it one day, like completely lose it. It doesn't make sense...but none of this does anyways, sorry I'm babbling I'm just devastated. ok well I hope tomorrow's update is alot better.
xoxo d

(no subject)

Today I have done alright. I just had some baby carrots to munch on and I'm feeling a little better right now because I just took all my med (including my percocets) They take away some of my pain. But I still have to be careful because when I sit back I can feel my broken ribs crunch around. Bad news is I haven' lost any weight, and why would I, I'm not allowed to move around. I'm addicted to diet ice tea and minute made drinks that are 5 cals or less. My stomach hurt incredibly bad this morning after I ate an apple,that has not happened to me in quite a while. Today I think I'm going to my boyfriend's family's house for a big cookout (they're italian and rich and my boyfriend is a chef and owns his own restaurant) That just spells disaster, his mother is always on my ass. I can just say that all my medication has taken away my appetite.
xoxo d

(no subject)

I am ashamed to even post this but its my third day out of the hospital and I've been doing really good since I can't purge because of all the trauma to my torso b/c of the car accident (broken ribs, punctured lung, ruptured spleen) Anyways, something came over me yesterday that I haven't felt since the accident and it was that intense nagging of your brain to binge and purge, it takes over everything and its all I could think about. It happened, what I've tried so hard to rid myself of, almost one month with my bulimia gone.( I know it can never really be gone) I had a bowl of special k, the a cookie, and then an english muffin. I couldn't believe that I let this happen. I knew it would be nearly impossible and incredibly dangerous to purge in my condition, I didn't know how it would affect my insides, my lung was collapsed and my spleen was bleeding for crying out loud. WHY would I do this to myself? I just kept thinking of how I'm risking my life to rid myself of 395 calories. I got everything up and I swear that I won't do it again.
But that was yesterday and today all I had a was half a lite yogurt, since I'm staying with my mom and she knows my past, I know she worries about me and I can appreciate that, so for her sake I sat down with her and engorged my fat body with 60 cals of yogurt. She kept saying "Let me make you something for breakfast' and twice today she has said how skinny I've gotten. I use to be normal size but even I can tell i've lost weight. Today she mentioned the American Heart Associations 3 day diet (She's going through menopause so she wants to lose weight too I think the reason why she doesn't get on my case is because she knows what i'm going through) SO anyways shes starting the 3 day diet where you lose 10 pounds for real tomorrow. She's a nurse and a doctor he works with swears by it I didn't have the heart to tell her that the AHA actually put out a disclaimer saying that the diet is phony and not from them, but what the hell..10 pounds is 10 pounds! So that's everything so far

(no subject)

Okay, well today I finally got out of the hospial after being in there for over a month. I updated two weeks ago when i got to the computer room at the hospital. I truly think that this was a lfe changing experience for me. Since I have such horrible trauma to my chest and abdomen, its completely out of the question to binge/purge, which is good. Everyone that finds out what happened ( i got in a car accident on the highway and flipped my car 4 times and go thrown from the car and landed on the highway) can't believe I survived. I really think that my prayers have been answered and that I finally got rid of my bulimia, after almost 6 years. I have control back over my life and I'm focusing on my health. From being in the hospital i've lost a significant amount of weight just from waht happened and I really haven't had an appetite because of all the medication I have to take. Plus my body doesn't need much energy since I don't move much. But this experience has truly opened my eyes and i'm glad to be alive and i'm so greatful for little things like being able to go back to college in the fall and having such a good job where even the bosses come visit me at the hospital. I know this sounds stupid though but right before i got in the accident i was in the middle of a binge/purge and when I regained consciousness on the highway after the accident all I could think about is the food I had in my stomach and how I wouldn't be able to get rid of it now...isn't that horrible? and in the hospital i was so happy that i wasn't allowed to eat for 5 days, and even now I'm happy that I don't have an appetite because of the meds, isn't that awful, i feel so ashamed..i should be lucky i'm alive but rather i'm annoyed that i can't exercise for 6 weeks
xoxo d

(no subject)

I haven't posted in over 3 weeks because I got in a nearly fatal car accident, I'm still at the hospital right now and I have to make this quick before they come back. I couldn't eat for almost 8 days because I had tubes everywhere but now that I'm eating I'm not even hungry. I have 3 very small mals a day, like 150 cals each and even after that I'm stuffed. The thing that sucks and I know I shouldn't care because I'm in the hospital but my stomach and chest are huge because of 1) swelling 2) collected blood from the trauma from my spleen and lungs 3) and the IV i guess makes you retain a TON of fluid, like 10 pounds my mom said, 10 freakin pounds, ouch 4) all my meds make me constipated, yea I know but its true. Anyways I'm happy to be alive and my mom said that right when I get out of the hospital all this extra weight will drop off in days and Ill probably end up losing weight so that I shouldnt worry and I should eat regularly, haha ok mom, or as much as I can which isn't alot.
xoxo
d

(no subject)

ok new post on what i've been eating;
Thursday;
apple
apricots
pear
Friday;
2 pears
some pine nuts (my friend told me they'd make me feel better but they certaintely did not)
Today;
1 orange 80 cals(I ate it when i woke up thinking that the vit C would make me better so i could work tonight)
4 strawberries 60 cals
1 kiwi 45 cals
3 snow peas 5 cals
190 cals
I definitely cannot eat ANYTHING else today, the only reason I ate that fruit was to give me some energy for work tonight, I need to make some money. I do feel a little better. I am worried and happy about how quickly I have gained so much control. But I'm scared that i could lose it at any moment but I won't. I am determined not to.

(no subject)

So its been about a week and I've lost about ten pounds, I figure about 5lbs of water weight. But i think it took a toll on my body because yesterday i had to work a double shift at the restaurant and every muscle and bone in body ached and I had a horrible head ache too. So on the break my friend went to the pharmacy and bought me a thermometer and day quil, my temp was 102 and that was AFTER i took some fever reducers. So my bosses found out and told me to keep them posted but i know what they're really saying is "can we depend on you to finish your shift?" so around 7 pm i was practically in tears and went up to the nice boss and was like i can't do this right now i need to go i'm really sick. I think my bosses think there is something wrong with me, well atleast the nice one does. Two times yesterday he asked in a weird but sincere tone "what's going on with you" or he might have said what's the matter i can't remember but immediately after each time he was like nevermind, haha they probably think i'm on like drugs or something because I drink so much espresso and all my diet drugs. But i'm like REALLY sick..all my coworkers knew it because I really looked like shit, I can't believe I was in public like that.

(no subject)

Well I just got home from work and so far I've had 1/2 a diet coke with lime. I am about to go to the gym for my 2 hour workout, then take a shower, and then go tanning (aaah fake sun, so refreshing so sweat the weight off) My boyfriend has off from work today (he owns a restaurant) I just talked to him and I'm going over after I finish my stuff. I have no urge for food right now; i actually feel like i'm full from the diet coke and the gum i've been chewing. I feel motivated today, but I know it won't last. I have these fleeting moment of hope which I wish would stay with me. Its not just hope to lose weight though, its hope that I get my life back on track and gain control, do well in school, stay organized, make my apartment immaculate. But they only last for hours at most; then its back to being my depressed and tortured self on the inside while on the outside I exude happiness and energy. I almost feel like two people, the real me and the one that I desire to be. It really messes with me. In my head I'm intelligent, laid back, quiet and on the outside I come off as almost a hyper ditz. Whatever.

(no subject)

Yesterday I ate 2 apples and I hardly drank any water which sucks. I need to start drinking more but whatever I'll just start today. I'm working a single shift today at the restaurant and i actually need to start getting ready but I just wanted to update here. I've gained 2 pounds in 2 days supposedly (the scale here at my mom's is whacked) but never the less I'm still f-en HUGE! Anyways i kind of f'ed up this morning all ready, but I remember that I must gain my control one step at a time. I've already surprised my self by passing by the delicious chocolate cake my mom made with chocolate cream frosting. I decided to have 3 pecans and chew and spit.I'm going to get some diet coke with lime...my favorite...ok well i'm off to work~